I've never done a blog before. Until I found this site I never even considered it to be honest. I guess I found it funny people would blog about there daily life's and expect anonymous people to read and enjoy it. I'm on here hoping to find love, support, and some advise.

Starters:
My name is Hayden. I'm a 21 year old college boy (recently started again) and I've struggled with dissociative identity disorder, multiple personalities, since I was at least 17 years old if not longer. I wasn't even sure what dissociative identity was until I was 18 and I blacked out in my accounting class and woke up an hour later in the health center with a counselor informing me I chucked a desk at a student and walked out of class for a smoke. Which I don't smoke due to ashma. The counselor told me she believed me to have multiple personalities and advised me to see a doctor and psychiatrist.
Being a stubborn 18 year old I didn't take her advise. The thought of people have this illness, I didn't believe at all. I thought of it like a weakness that people had since they couldn't cope.
The black outs continued and I was losing time and time. I asked my mom what she thought and she said it was something every teenager goes through. My dad died when I was 13 and my mom was remarried when I was 15 and since then my mom was tied up with my little brother and the new marriage. I tried talking to my ex-girlfriend about it who said she thought something along the lines of my future illness but didn't say anything.

19 years old I finally came out to my family about being gay, and also experienced my first abusive relationship. I won't go into detail of the abuse I went through during that time. However it wasn't shortly after that my black outs became worse but instead of causing destruction and chaos; my friends said I would randomly start acting like a kid. I would color in coloring books, play with my legos, Godzilla toys and carry a stuffed animal that I hadn't seen since I was 10 years old.
Not only did that black out things like that happened but my friends and coworkers noticed that I would be a bible thumper that would randomly bake cookies, brownies, cupcakes and would enjoy smiling and trying to fill random peoples day with joy. As I'm re-reading all these things I'm surprised my head don't explode from happiness.

To sum up and not keep this going, I've been in 2 psychiatric hospitals due to some meds causing my alters to go haywire. The first alter that people saw when I was 18 was Asmo. The child alter, Little Hayden, and the betty crocker remake one called herself Roxie. What caused me to end up in a psychiatric hospital was Skeptor. Some sort of animal-human alter that my roommate would find sleeping ontop of my refrigerator and growl and try biting people that would whisper in a rasp voice about liking his beak rubbed. I've learned as Asmo is the protector of the alters and me, Skeptor is like the ultimate protector of everyone. As of January 10 I have integrated 3 alters, Gordon, Darren, and Chip (infant) and we've become one. January 2 I discovered I have a new alter named Jay. A very troubled 14 year old that is incredibly disrespectful to my counselor, property, animals, and roommate. He talks about wanting to get rid of all the alters which I don't like because I want to integrate and get better. The other alters, along with me, have tried talking to him but like most teenagers he is overwhelming high spirited and acts out as if consequence's don't even exist.

Like I said in the beginning I'm on here looking for love, support and advise. Advise to how to deal with the newer alter Jay. I also want to help others with there alters. I haven't done much reading on the illness for my counselor has advised me to avoid anything revolving around the illness so not to get worse and I obey her. Thank you. Your Friend Always.

i feel like i need to tell my whole life story so that you can better understand and help me understand if i have been and still am being verbally/mentally abused... I'll try to make it not too long.
My name is Christina i am 21 years old right now and lets see growing up my mom worked multiple jobs to keep a roof over our head , while my father did drugs, cheated on her , and was in and out of our lives consistently. My father somehow convinced my mother to move to the bitch's (excuse my language) house that he was cheating on her with. I was maybe 5 or 6 when we moved, I was sexually molested by her older son who was 9 years older than me, i knew this when i got older and i figured its to late to tell anyone so i just kept it in.
My aunt is like my second mom, when i was growing up she was ALWAYS there for me, she played with me, cared for me, loved me but some how everything started to change.. i felt like our relationship became like a toxic war and i was her target. She would pin point the littlest things out to just lecture me and break me down. i was a child and it would feel like she would take pleasure in watching the fear in my eyes and the tears rolling down my face. I felt like i was nothing.
I was 11 the first time i tried to kill myself. It was fourth of July and all the kids (cousins) were at her house, i remember it so clearly as if it was yesterday. she was fine having fun, laughing with us , playing with us and i don't know what happened but something just triggered her and she just started "lecturing" (as she puts it) me and she wouldn't stop not until i literally made myself cry so hard that i had to vomit. Even after puking i was still getting bitched at "you're good for nothing, i cant stand you and what stress you put me under" . So after she stopped she went to her room and went to sleep like a little baby while i was sitting in a corner contemplating whether i should just save myself now from this monster. so i went inside and took whatever pills i could and i grabbed a knife and started cutting myself; OUTSIDE because i didn't want to make a mess.
I honestly have grown to resent her but i am so close to my family that i cant see myself cutting ties. I know this isn't a healthy relationship i have with her and i know she isn't a bad person, because shes not like this with anyone else...just me. she makes me feel worthless. we live in the same house and we barely speak two words to each other, i can feel the resentment she has towards me.
I am a very strong individual and i speak my mind i don't let anyone take advantage of me or my loved ones but when it comes to my aunt i feel like she has complete power over me . i want to confront her and tell her she fxkin crazy && needs help but i know she will only turn it around to be put on me and i honestly don't have the emotional strength to deal with her. From the age of 9 until today i have been dealing with manipulating abusive ways and i seriously don't know how to handle it.

I have just spent my rent money on stupid online gambling.
I feel selfish, guilty beyond belief and so so stupid.
I work part time so don't get much, I am a mother, so why cant I stop when I know I have such important responsibilities, I feel a failure that I give in so easily and leave my family broke as a result. I don't know where to turn, my family and friends would go mad if they knew my secret.
They assume it's easy to stay away from these online sites so I hide it. I need to stop, and I want to so badly but I cant. I cant borrow and have got credit off any company I could to fund my habit, that nobody is going to loan me for my rent. I feel so scared and alone and don't know where to turn. I hate myself soooo bad

He said he cares when i told him i have depression and he wants to help. (He meaning my boyfriend) but he just puts me down for always sleeping and becoming disinterested in the things i used to love. He doesnt mean it in a bad way.. like he tries to talk to me. But i can tell hes getting annoyed.. i can tell hes rushing the call. But look its 6 am, i cant sleep, he went to bed and i just want to know what i can do.. my head is spinning with thoughts. I have no one to talk to. And it isnt like he doesnt know what to do.. his sister is struggling with mental health as well and also some friends of his call him for help. Does he just not care?

Hi everyone. I'm new to this forum and am here to discuss things related to bipolar disorder, insomnia and perhaps a bit of alcoholism (still in denial I guess). Here's my first blog post:

So today's been a wonderful day but yesterday was a whole different deal. I was outside with friends for quite a long time in the evening on Sunday so I thought hey, no need for a sleeping pill, I'll fall asleep in seconds. I currently use Temazepam and it works for me. Haven't even worked up a tolerance during the two weeks I've been taking them which is a bit curious... Last time I stopped taking them after getting tolerant at 10mg.

I realized after a while that I'm not going to fall sleep, so perhaps some tea will help. Nope. It was also too late to take a sleeping pill when I realized that I'm actually feeling a bit hyper. I didn't want to spend the rest of the day in bed so that's why I said no to the pill. On the bright side I started working on my thesis which I've been unable to do the entire summer. And I felt really determined about what to do next and so on which has been a total mystery to me up until now.

At around 6AM I was mentally and physically exhausted but I couldn't even nap. At 7AM I was hyper again. I joined this site and started posting immediately. Afterwards I felt so ashamed of what I wrote in my excited state but I suppose there's no need for that here. I had time to watch different anime series... Wrote a table on the Pokemon I've caught... Smoked around 15 cigarettes in couple of hours... Cleaned the kitchen... At around 12AM I started to feel really spooky and felt something kind of snap in my head and called my dad. I can't remember the phone call but I knew that if I don't get out and calm down, I'm going to snap.

After pacing around my dad's house and ranting helplessly for a while, I started to calm down because of the mood of the company (I think my dad was being a bit grumpy at his girlfriend). I spent the entire day helping my dad out with sorting out his tools, which was so tiring and boring that I couldn't help calming down even further. So my plan to chill out worked out in the end. I only got to sleep at midnight since I also decided to visit my brother. This time I took Temazepam and thanks to that today has been a good day. I've kept myself extremely busy so perhaps I should take it easy tomorrow.

I visited a friend of mine and I feel so relaxed talking about bipolar with her because she is genuinely interested in what's going on in my head and what's causing it. I feel quite fortunate for having a friend like that. I also worked up the courage to speak to my fiance. He hasn't been that supportive recently and I told him that. I can't spend the rest of my life calling my dad in the middle of the night when I'm in distress instead of just waking my fiance sleeping next to me. And I also stated that I know that he means well, but supplements won't cure me or help me much if I'm about to go crazy. I think it was a great conversation and we're somewhat on the same level now. I was seriously worried already. Because if he's only there for me when I'm good and stable and disappears when I'm at my lowest I don't know how long I'd stand that kind of a relationship.

It's getting late so time to have a date with my dear Temazepam and have a good night's sleep.